Reflections Of The Recovering Criminal Defense Attorney

Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Sam Sliney back to our pages. Click here if you'd like to donate to MothersEsquire.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." I look back on my time as a criminal defense lawyer often and realize that it was some of the most rewarding work I have ever done but also the most emotionally and mentally taxing. Having someone's life and liberty in your hands with each decision you make about their case was definitely a lot higher stakes than I had ever imagined prior to starting the job. When I think about things like the lifelong stigma of a federal conviction, implications of sex offender registration and the various amounts of jail time that my clients faced, I often wonder how I managed it all in addition to the various responsibilities I had as a spouse and mother to two children (one of which was born right during the middle of my stint as a defense attorney).

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As I look back there are two distinct boundaries, or rules, that I wish I would have used to navigate this time in my legal career. It was not because I had not been told to do these things by mentors and peers (they told me and I just did not listen) but I felt a strong obligation to try to give my full time and attention to my clients given what was on the line. Now, years later, I realize that had I lived by these two rules, it likely would not have significantly changed the outcome of any of my cases, and I would have still been able to competently and zealously represent my clients but I probably would not have caused myself as much mental and emotional anguish. Hindsight is 20/20.

Before I get to the two boundaries, I have pondered on what made me so inclined to seemingly give my all to my clients at the expense of myself when others advised me not to. I think much of it has to do with my personality (you know Type A, stereotypical lawyer personality) but I also think being a woman and mother drove the devotion I had to my clients and their cases. I hate making generalizations but instinctually I think women have this bad habit of putting everyone else before themselves. This is why a lot of women struggle with effectively implementing self-care strategies and boundaries in their everyday lives. Whether it is their job, significant other, or some other thing or person, a woman will put herself last. You see this characteristic in its most extreme form with women domestic violence victims.

I think this instinct is exacerbated when a woman becomes a parent because now, in many cases, she carried a fetus for nine long months, went through the labor and delivery process (which is sometimes extremely traumatic), and struggled to keep a newborn infant alive with little to no sleep and no clue how she was going to survive. This child becomes the center of her universe and, no matter what, always comes first (even for some at the expense of their relationship with their spouse or significant other). The societal pressure to do this is also immense.

Because of this, it becomes a habit to always put everything else before yourself. So, because this is now a habit, this habit will impact other facets of the mother's life like her career. But the problem remains that there is only 100% to give each day, you cannot give more than that. It is mathematically impossible. So, when the mother feels the need to give 100% to more than one thing or person every day, she will quickly begin to experience things like burn out because it is impossible to give 100% to everything.

For me personally, this was also exacerbated by the example set by my own mother. Now, my mother was and is fantastic ... I mean an out of this world, never missed a sports game, always been my biggest fan, perfect mom ... BUT ... she put my two sisters and I before herself and everything else. I do not have one memory of my mom going out with friends, practicing any type of self-care except for her daily workout (which my sisters and I went with her to) or really doing anything by herself during my childhood. What I do remember is her undying devotion to my sisters and me. Because that was the behavior she modeled, and I have always desired to be just like her, that is the behavior I sought to model as I became a mother to my first child. I became a defense attorney when my son was 11 months old. So, I was well accustomed to and had actively pursued taking the backseat to just about everything else in my life.

With that context, then, what rules would I have set for myself? First, set boundaries. Do not take calls at any hour of the day (unless it is a true emergency, and let's be honest there really are not that many true legal emergencies in this line of work). Do not feel the need to work into the wee hours of the night when the work could be accomplished the next day during normal business hours. No work on the weekend if it can be avoided. Do not let clients dictate your schedule. Do not let clients have unfettered access to you. Boundaries. Set them. Abide by them. Barring an emergency, do not waiver on those boundaries.

Second (and something I utterly failed at), do not care more than your client does about their case and life. I found many times that my clients that had the best chance at a positive outcome cared the least about getting that outcome. I remember having conversations that turned into pep talks where I tried to convince the client why they had a good case and should fight till the end, when in reality all they wanted was for the case to be over with what appeared to be no real concern for the outcome. They did not care about the consequences. This was hard for me to wrap my mind around especially when I was telling them they had a good legal basis to fight or that the system was flat out railroading them.

I am in no way saying that you should not satisfy your professional responsibilities and obligations to your client. I am saying that you cannot care more than they do about their case. If they do not care, I learned that there is not really going to be much you can do to make them care. You do your job. You give them your best legal advice but at the end of the day it is their decision on what path they want to head down. While you may see all the potential in the world and possibility for a successful outcome, that means nothing if the client does not care.

Hindsight really is 20/20. Even as I wrote this article, I realized just how important it is to implement these two rules in your legal practice, not necessarily just in criminal defense work. Being an attorney is hard. Being a spouse is hard. Being a parent is hard. Life is just hard sometimes. But implementing boundaries that help you manage that 100% you have to give each day will pay dividends towards your work/life harmony and life. It is hard to do (I readily admit I fail at it often) but I have also realized that to continue wearing the many hats that I wear each day, it is something that is nonnegotiable and must be done.

Sam Sliney is a mother of two and wife to an Army Green Beret. Since 2014, she has served in the U.S. Air Force as a Judge Advocate (JAG). She is currently assigned to a Special Operations Forces (SOF) unit where she provides legal advice on a wide array of legal issues to include operations and international law. Sam is passionate about creating an inclusive Department of the Air Force and Department of Defense to increase lethality of the joint force. Specifically, she advocates for equitable support and accessibility for women during all phases of womanhood, particularly pregnancy and post-partum.